The Breakdown of a Wife....

As I listen to rain fall outside my bed room more tears slowly fall down my face. It's 4:45 AM and I haven't slept a wink. For the first time since my diagnosis I have allowed myself to truly feel the emotions bubbling inside me. The ones that have been just beneath the surface waiting for me to release them. The tears fall now like a slow leak from a faucet that needs to be tightened. I'm thankful that they aren't the sobs that racked my body only a few hours before so I let them wet my pillow and reach for Ryan's hand. My rock. I never could have made it through these last three weeks without his stead fast love and constant support. How can I even begin to thank this beautiful man who softly snores beside me.... I don't think I will ever be able to. I need him like I need air and I can't imagine my life without him.

The tears come faster and harder now and become too much for me to take.  I decide to get up and follow the sunlight as it rises in the sky. I think back to how the night progressed and I am thankful I have finally allowed myself to experience the roller coaster in a more healing sort of way. It started when Ryan and I laid down for the evening. As he gently rubbed my aching hips and back he said to me, "You know when I get my St. Michael's back piece, how I told you I want to put some kind of banner in his shield? Well, I decided I want to put an orange ribbon there instead.... for you. You've been so strong, and I am so proud of you. I love you so much." My heart dropped in my chest and in the dark my mouth hung agape. I quietly replied, "I've been thinking about getting an orange ribbon too..." He gently stroked my arm and mentioned maybe getting one somewhere else as well,

I don't really remember what exactly he said at that point because my emotions just took over. At some point we had rolled face to face and I said to him, "You know, this is the first time you've really even said much to me about all this since I was diagnosed. Will you talk to me? Even if we never talk about it again. Will you just tell me how you feel? Please. I need to know." He remarked simply and sadly, "I'm scared as hell because I can't fix this and I can't bare to see you in pain. I don't want anything to happen to you." As I begin to cry he scoops me in his arms and the sobs I had been holding at bay unleash. He strokes my hair and back and in shallow whispers I begin to let all my fears out and my heart breaks into a thousand pieces.

This is so unfair. To my children, to my husband, to my patients. I am angry now. What if I can't control this the way I want to. The way I need too. I want to live and full and happy and healthy life and be able to see my children grow up. I want our lives to focus around THEM not this stupid disease. I don't want Ryan to spend his years taking care of me ultimately pushing me around in a wheel chair because I've become disabled.

Disabled.  Holy shit. He didn't sign up for this. This is NOT how this was suppose to happen. I am in complete anguish at this point. We were supposed to get old and do old crotchety things together like traveling in an RV and bird watch and walk hand in hand down at the lake. This was NOT part of the deal.

Why is this happening to me? Im angry again. My life has been quite an adventure to say the least.  I'm honestly ready to just be boring. I don't want anymore. I've had enough. Can't I catch a damn break? I'm not mad at God per se.... but each time I pray, I don't even know what to say. My prayers end up some sort of version of this...
          Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for this beautiful day and all the amazing people you have put    in my life. Thank you for blessing me beyond measure in so many ways. Can you please take away this pain? Can you please take away my disease? Can you please give me back my old normal? I'm not sure I know how to handle this...... please. Amen. 

All the things that have been taught to me through my christian life flow through my head (God doesn't give you more then you can handle. Lean on him for he will be your strength. blah blah blah) None of them provide comfort or healing for my aching heart or over active brain. I am consumed with pain and fatigue and pure confusion. Please God help me. But I can't stop long enough to listen.

As the tears finally subside, Ryan begins to reassure me that he will gladly push my wheel chair if it ever comes to that and we can bird watch on the deck of the lake together hand in hand. He kisses my forehead sweetly and says he will do whatever it takes to make sure I am happy and he will never leave my side. He doesn't have an answer to the why, but holds me close and says to stay strong in Lord and keep praying. He says we will get through this together. As a family. More tears come, quietly now, and we lay together in the dark reveling in the moment that has finally come to pass.

This sweet, tired man has confided in me and comforted me beyond belief. As he drifts off to sleep I lay staring at his figure in the dark. I can't help but lay my hand on his chest and listen to him breath. I'm scared to death of Thursday coming.  Thursday is the day he goes back to work. It will take him away from me for two weeks. I am so thankful he has been by my side for the hardest weeks of my life to date and relieved his mother is coming to stay with me while he is gone. I think in my mind, "Maybe he will rest, not having to take care of me," but I know in my heart it's a lie. He will worry and count the days until he comes home, just like I will. God, thank you so much for giving me this wonderful man. 

As the birds chirp and 6AM rolls around, I know its time to start my day. I am thankful for the tears that have come this night and into the early morning. My heavy heart needed the release. My sweet fat pumpkin, Ryker,  begins to stir in his room and it's my que to finish up my thoughts and put my worried mind to rest.

I love you Ryan Wilson. Thank you for being my rock. I know I will over come this and together we will be ok. A new ok. It will never be the same ok as it was before, but somehow, someway, we will find new path.

--Warrior