I haven't posted much in the last few months. Mostly because I haven't known how or even what to say. These last few months have been filled so many ups and downs that It's hard to articulate all that goes on inside my head. Some days, most days in fact, I am so over come with pain that I can't even remember what normal feels like. What is "normal" anyway? Normal is such a fickle word. Thrown around carelessly with no true meaning to anyone besides the person using it. I can tell you this for sure. My definition of normal sure has changed. If you would have asked me a year ago what it meant, I would have told you something like, "Normal is relative... it is a range. Everyone's normal is different and can fit within this range. My life for example is normal to me, but to most people it most definitely is NOT. Most people don't consider a spouse being gone 80% of the time normal. To me, it is just how life is." Now my definition of normal goes something like this, "Normal is relative... it is a range. It is a forbidden word that eludes me and I have forgotten where it's boundaries lie."
I have yet to find a new "normal" that I am okay with encompassing. My life is centered around my pain, my clumsiness, my forgetfulness. It is centered around monthly IV infusions and prescribed medications that don't work. My new normal is one of sleepless, pain filled nights, and long overwhelming days. There never seems to be an end in sight.
I can tell you this. I would love for my new normal to be something along these lines: Normal is relative... it is a range. It is where I can manage my pain and my whole world doesn't revolve around it. It is where I live a life with MS but it doesn't define me. It is where I can say with confidence, "EFF you MS, you are my bitch and I own you. Bring on the next 30 years."
I still don't know how to get to this point. Things seemed to have gotten worse, not better. I'm just so tired and completely over this dreadful disease. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Until next time
Warrior
(although I don't feel like much of one lately)
